If Only
by oldschoollover
Summary: Clara thought she knew the Doctor so well. He would never admit his feelings to her. That's how she knew it'd been the Cyber Planner speaking... hadn't it?


**Hey, hope you enjoy!**

The Doctor knew he was in love with Clara the second he'd laid eyes on her. She puzzled him. She bantered with him. She was funny. She was pretty. No, not pretty: _beautiful_. He loved being with her. She lightened up his heart in a way none of his companions could. He wasn't just acting in Sweetville: he genuinely wished him and Clara were on that level. Sure, he had loved Rose, he _still _loved Rose, but that was five years ago. He had to move on to be happy again. He never thought he could. He'd been fascinated with The Girl Who Waited, but nothing struck him like his Impossible Girl. He only wished Clara knew his feelings, assuming she felt the same. But he was confident she did. After all, the Doctor wasn't as dense as he appeared to be. He felt something between them, something a little more than friendship, a line none of them dared to cross. Oh, how he longed to tell her.

The opportunity soon arose. He had taken Clara and the children to Hedgewick's World of Wonders. The visit was going well, 'til the Doctor became possessed by the Cyber Planner, Mr. Clever, in an attempt to be converted. He'd been forced to play a chess game with himself: a chess game that decided the fates of everyone on the planet. But no matter the victory he gained that day, the Doctor believed he failed on one of the most important things: Clara. She didn't know his feelings.

_FLASHBACK_

Clara walked in. The Doctor couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. He asked for the trigger. She showed it to him. He reached for it, but she pulled it away, saying that she didn't know if she could trust him. Oh, how he wanted her to trust him. He reassured her though, that the Cyber Planner was hibernating between moves. He'd managed to keep him under control for once, if only for the time being.

Clara leaned in, putting her hands on the table. The Doctor's heartbeat quickened.

"Prove you're you. Tell me something only the Doctor knows."

The Doctor sighed, partly in anticipation. Was this the window of opportunity he'd been waiting for? Would she believe him if he'd told her? Well, it was worth a shot.

"Clara. I suppose….I'm the only one who knows how I…feel about you right now."

He noted the shock in her eyes, the disbelief in her complexion. But he had to keep going. No stopping now.

"How funny you are. So funny." She made him laugh so many times. He felt as light as a feather around her.

"And pretty." The Doctor knew this word was hardly adequate enough to describe what he thought of her eyes, her nose, her _lips_. What the hell. He'll take a chance. He closed his eyes, leaning in.

"And I'm starting to like you in a way that is more than just-"

_SLAP!_

In half a second, the Doctor's Time Lord brain went haywire. What did that mean, her slapping him? That she didn't love him? That he'd just been rejected? That he didn't _believe _him?

The Doctor recovered quickly and decided that the safest option was to pretend that he had been controlled by the Cyber Planner all along.

"Ah! Ow! Yes, I'm back! But how did you know that was him?!" He really wanted to know how she thought that the a heartless Cyber being would sooner profess his feelings of love to her. Clara looked hurt, angry, and slightly relieved, but what was that he saw in her eyes? Disappointment?

"Because even if that were true, which it's obviously not," she eyed him, given him a stern look, "I know you well enough that you'd rather die than admit your feelings!" What?! Is that what he made his companions believe? That he was more heartless than a Cyberman?

"Finish your stupid game!" Though the Doctor had wanted to grab her wrist to tell her, "Stop, please, let me explain," he knew it wouldn't have been good timing. Yet his hand seemed to have other plans, reaching out for him. Despite her pleas, he couldn't let go. He screamed in protest as the Cyber Planner took control, destroying the trigger. And as the Cyber Planner screamed, "They're here!" the Doctor found himself screaming with him in frustration and grief.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

The Doctor couldn't believe what he'd just witnessed. Porridge proposed to Clara! _His _Clara! And she'd looked like she'd been considering it! Sure, he had said she wasn't pretty, but he didn't mean it! He had to! How dare Porridge make a move on her?

Now, they were all back in the TARDIS, the Doctor trying to act like his usual self. The children had just left, Artie saying, "Thanks, Clara! Thanks Clara's boyfriend!"

Clara leaned up against the console next to him, looking up at him, smiling, and oh so beautiful.

"Thank you, Doctor. You got us back safely." She bounced down to the TARDIS doors, "See you next Wednesday?"

"By the way," the Doctor started, his back towards her, hands on the console, "It wasn't the Cyber Planner you slapped."

Clara stopped mid-bounce, trying to understand what she just heard. Then it hit her. She gasped and turned around. The Doctor still had his back towards her, crouching over the console.

"What do you mean?" she asked him, her voice coming out higher than she meant it to, "That…wasn't the Cyber Planner….? I…I thought-"

"I know," the Doctor said, "You thought that was him."

"But…" Clara just didn't understand. She hadn't learned the rule yet, the most important rule in the universe, the first rule: the Doctor lies.

"How?" she finally asked. Clara had feelings for him, it was true. She couldn't help it. Even when he told her that he was an alien as old as time, when a young, attractive man takes you in his time machine, how can you _not_ fall in love with him?

"Clara," the Doctor started. Clara blinked. She hadn't noticed him turned around, leaning against the console with his arms crossed, looking determined, but sad….yet loving? She knew he loved her, but she never hoped-

"The truth is," he started, sighing heavily and throwing his hands up in defeat, "I love you. There. I said it."

Clara's eyes widened. Her heart quickened. He walked slowly towards her. She took in a sharp intake of breath. He stopped in front of her, towering over her, looking into her eyes endearingly. He placed his hand gently on her cheek.

Then his eyes hardened and a wicked smile spread across his face. Clara paled. He began to laugh maniacally, clutching her cheek. She winced.

"D-Doctor!"

"No," he said, with the dangerous glint in his eye that gave her chills, "Me. Mr. Clever."

"But-! Th-The D-Doctor!"

"Is trapped. I killed him. I have his body now. I won." And as he laughed, Clara screamed in horror. He leaned down and kissed her roughly.

Clara sat up, gasping and shuddering. She was in her bed. Had it all been a dream? No, she remembered. Not all of it. She had gone to Hedgewick's World with the children. She had said farewell to the Doctor, skipping to the door, saying, "See you next Wednesday?!" to which he'd responded, "A-A-A Wednesday!"

The dream had been going so well, save for the end. She'd really believed the Doctor had feelings for her. A tear fell on to her laugh. No, she was just being stupid. The Doctor would never have feelings for her. He never could. With that, she lay back down and rolled over, closing her eyes and trying to go back to sleep.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

The Doctor was pacing around the TARDIS console room while in orbit, reflecting on today's events. He'd missed his chance with Clara. He'd wanted to tell her that it wasn't the Cyber Planner she'd slapped, but he'd lost his resolve, so he'd settled with stuttering out a reply. The Doctor sighed in frustration and sorrow, running a hand through his hair and pacing around the console.

_If only you knew…_


End file.
